Some MLS predictions from above

By: Brian | February 5th, 2010

kaka_jesus

When I am not feeding my obsession for soccer by blogging, watching GolTV, or playing soccer, I find a little bit of time to teach in the religious studies department at my local state university. Currently, I am teaching a class on the Life & Teachings of Jesus. I often joke with my students that if Jesus where here today, he would be a huge soccer fan.
While walking across campus today I started to wonder what kind of advice Jesus would give to our 16 MLS teams heading into the 2010 season. (Yes, there will be a season…I refuse to entertain the idea of a lockout.) So, going from some famous sayings I put together a 2010 preview of a very different kind. Soccer Jesus

What would Jesus say to:
Fire – Well, we all know what “fire” means, right? Fire is symbolic of judgment time. For the lads in Bridgeview, IL, it is truly judgment time. You can’t assemble the talent they have had the past few seasons and keep coming up empty in the Eastern Conference Finals. Judgment Day is here!

Chivas USA – This one is easy. If Martin Vasquez will design his offense around JESUS Padilla, they will easily win the MLS Cup.

Rapids – With the creation of a new supporters terrace at Dick’s Sporting Goods Park it will be much easier for true “disciples” of the rapids to passionately follow their club. A move that is sure to land them in the playoffs.

Crew – When Jesus advised his followers to “consider the lilies of the field”, could he have been pointing at a bright yellow lily? If so, a repeat of 2008 may be in order.

DC United – “The first shall be last and the last shall be first.” Given the long tradition of success from DC, I believe they may be in for a rough spell.

FC Dallas – Ditching the name “Burn” was definitely good points on their behalf. I think the key to Dallas success lies on the feet of Atiba Harris who hails from the island of Saint Kitts (St Christopher). A little saintly intercession is always helpful on the pitch.

Dynamo – I am unsure of what Jesus would think of those orange kits. The jury is out on this one.

Wizards – Seriously??? Until a name change happens they will be mired in last place. (See Washington Wizards of the NBA)

Galaxy – I have to think the LA club is in a good position to win it all with the ‘MLS Messiah’ wearing #23.

Revs – If medieval Catholic painters taught us anything, it is that guys with long hair should never be underestimated. Look for Shalrie Joseph to have a great season.

Red Bulls – Their star player is Angel. The real question is if he is a good angel or a fallen one.

Union – “Suffer the little children to come unto me.” The new kids in MLS might “suffer” but should have a pretty respectable season behind great support from the fans.

RSL – Jesus has always been a huge fan of the underdog but with a 2009 Cup in their trophy case, RSL no longer qualifies as the Cinderella team. Look for a big decline in Salt Lake.

San Jose – “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.” Something good is bound to happen to them eventually, right?

Sounders – Seattle, a coastal city with a lot of fishing. I have to think Jesus would enjoy life in Seattle.

Toronto – Jesus really liked the foreigners of his day. They weren’t Canadians, they were called Samaritans. As “outsiders” in the US domestic league, I believe Jesus would have a soft spot for the club north of the border.

Well, there you have it, a unique perspective on the upcoming domestic season in the US. Take it for what it’s worth (a hint: absolutely nothing!).